… and I don’t think I’m a 36G any more to be honest either! And that coat, THAT long, velvet, Hobbs dresscoat, the one I blogged about in Breasts, Breasts, Breasts FOUR years ago. It now fits. Beautifully. I’ve worn it out a few times and am so pleased I held onto it.
Hello you 😉 I just want to say a BIG, heartfelt, sorry to my subscribers for the radio silence. I have written so many posts in draft or in my head, you have NO idea. But for one reason or the other it never felt quite right to hit ‘publish’ on any one of them. I can’t believe it’s been fifteen months since I’ve posted. So much has happened in that time, but I needed to do it in private; it felt a bit like a caterpillar crawling into a chrysalis and needing to pupate. I didn’t feel as if I had a choice in the matter, it just had to be done.
I think almost dying at the print launch of Gunshot Glitter had a lot to do with it. I always under-estimate the time it takes to recover from a shock or something bad happening to me, as if the normal rules or the nurturing allowed, somehow don’t apply to me. It’s stupid to be honest. Trauma affects everyone in different ways. I ended up undergoing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) last year to deal with panic attacks, but it took me almost 10 months to concede that I needed that. When the smell or idea of lemongrass, or the eating seeds scares you because they make you think of nuts, you know it’s not good.
I also did a short course in self-hypnosis, not that I’ve used the skills yet! But I also visited two hypnotherapists as my self-belief was so rattled. It was hard to promote Gunshot Glitter with the spectre of my own death hanging over it. So I had to put it down for a bit and go and live again. I had to get healthy. Like, REALLY healthy, so I did.
And it was v.v hard work but I really threw myself into it once I gathered up the strength to take the plunge, and I wrote a book about it all because there is so much I want people to know, but in a bullshit-free, down to earth, genuinely useful, tons of empathy, no Photoshop allowed kind of way. It’s important to me. I was positively evangelical when those fifty pounds were falling off. I went from a size 18/20 to a size 12/14. The first time I put on a pair of size 14 jeans in the Marks and Spencers’ in Croydon, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I’d never worn a pair in that size before, let alone a 12. I’m now a scary expert on protein shakes. But before anyone sees the results of that book, I want to see if the weight remains off because I suspect my learning curve isn’t quite over yet on this score.
And I wrote another novel too, called ‘See Those Eyes,’ which is an odd, but wonderful little tale inspired by two people I met in real life, a few years ago, and was so effortless to write, I worried that meant it wasn’t any good!
Much like me, in that silken chrysalis, both books are in hibernation mode. I need to let time pass before I take a fresh look at them again. But it’s the behemoth that still pokes at me.
This year, I want to give Gunshot Glitter the love it deserves. I hope you’ll help me do that. There is a final, print on demand version to magick up and launch. I want libraries and more bookshops to carry it. I want everyone who loves an original, crime drama with a romantic streak running through it, to check out a sample and then decide for themselves. I am so grateful to everyone who still talks about it, enthuses about it, re-reads it or buys it for the first time and then feeds back to me and believes in it. I do too. I promise I won’t be gone for as long as this time.
I just wanted to say ‘HELLO’ and ask you how you were? And what was the nicest or most remarkable thing that happened to you, or you did last year? I really want to know.
I noticed, despite my silence, I picked up some new subscribers along the way, who stumbled across my blog. Hello to you. This is me, now. Though right now, as I type, I’m wearing a HELL of a lot more than I am in those photos! It’s 1.30am.
I feel BIG things will happen in 2015. I wasn’t ready before. I am so getting there now. Bring it on. It’s going to be good, I hope this year is good for you too. There is more to tell you, but I want you to see this one, so I’m going to be sensible, post it and then brush my teeth and go to bed. It’ll be winking at you in your mailbox or waiting patiently for you to discover it via a link in the morning.
Until next time, a big, big, love.. as Kim Deal from The Pixies used to sing… ❤ ❤ ❤
Yasmin Selena Butt xx
P.S. Best albums of 2014 – Future Islands: Singles, The War on Drugs: Lost In A Dream, both are amazing records, played them to death. Had separation anxiety from them at one point, I swear!
(Pix: Eunice Manson (b&w), Sir Terence Dackombe)