When I saw Ed Harcourt play his headlining set at Bush Hall in London last December, there was one thing I was very sure of. I wanted to interview him. I wanted to know what he was up to. It had been ages since we’d had a decent catch up so I was massively curious. He’s a man I could write a massive ‘Did You Know.. list about, but I’d rather let the musical one speak for himself. So I caught up with him earlier this month and this is what he had to say. Read on and enjoy what Ed Harcourt circa 2012 is all about and be sure to mooch his recommendations. I know I’m going to.
Yasmin Selena ; ) x x
YSB: How’s it going Ed? How’s 2012 treating you so far?
EH:Hi Yasmin. Life is pretty hectic at the moment, I’m juggling being father to two young children and writing my next record, as well as being a co-writer for lots of up and coming artists. As usual, I’m glad to have sailed through January without too much calamity, it truly is a tiresome month.
YSB: Musically, what are you working on at the moment? Can we expect some new music from you this year? Lustre was a lovely record!
EH: This next record is a little mad in places. I already have some immense heavyweights lined up to contribute to it, I’ll let you know soon enough, but I don’t want to jinx it. I veer between home and my studio which is five minutes away and so am tootling back and forth…there’s a lot more samples and weird sounds on the next record. The drums are much more loose and beat-driven. I have no particular aim other than be totally selfish and please myself! I’ve got four months left to finish the writing side and then I’ll go into production; the context of the record is very different to Lustre, much darker lyrically but very playful in an Eels/Beck sort of way.
Ed Harcourt co-wrote the title-track
YSB: I’ve noticed in the last few years you’ve increasingly started writing songs with other artists. I remember you working on Paloma Faith’s début record with her. Who are you working with at the moment Ed? What is that process like for you?
EH:I’ve been working with Paloma on her next record, a great new singer called Ren Harvieu, she’s amazing, Jodie Marie who is on Decca who’s also gonna do well I think… Jamie N Commons who’s got a really bluesy spiritual thing going on, Louise and the Pins who’s wonderfully warm and melancholy, Laura Jansen who is Dutch/American, beautiful voice, we wrote a killer song the other day!
One of my main priorities has been Kristina Train, who you’ll be hearing a lot of quite soon, she’s from Savannah, Georgia and her voice is ridiculous – it’s so good. We’ve written about half her album….also my wife ( Gita Harcourt – The Langley Sisters) and I write together sometimes when we can. I’m still waiting for the Lisa Marie Presley record to come out, got three songs on that and Mr Hudson & I have done some writing, he’s a great guy. I don’t know, there’s always stuff in the pipeline.. The process is different to writing on my own, it’s more of a 9-5 kind of feel, sometimes you hit it off and write a great song, other times it’s frustrating and fruitless.
YSB: Is it something you can see yourself doing a lot more in the future? Do artists approach you directly for collaboration? Is there an artist or band you’d love to pen a song for/with?
EH: To be honest this is my main priority now because I make more of a living out of it than as a solo artist, but I feel I’ve learnt from writing with others as well, it’s helped me fine-tune and streamline the lazier elements of my song writing. Some artists approach me directly, like Melanie Pain from Nouvelle Vague just sent me a Facebook message! We wrote a song called ‘Black Widow’ that’s on her forthcoming album, it’s a film noir duet! I would love to do something with Bjork or Tom Waits or even RZA or one of my musical idols, but off the top of my head I can’t think of anything new right now…my management are better at notifying me about new talented artists.
YSB: When I first got into your music, you used to gig prolifically, but I suspect since you and Gita have become parents it’s probably a bit trickier. How are you finding combining being a dad with being a musician? How do you and Gita make it work?
EH:There is a huge compromise; pretty much any time I have, is spent writing for myself or others. Today I’ve been looking after the kids since 6.30am, it’s a full-time job and I love being with them, but there’s always that unfinished song in the back of my head! I still play gigs here and there but my touring days are pretty much over, it’s hard enough to tour without label support anyway…
YB: Is being a father what you expected? What are Franklyn and Roxy like? Are your kids going to be singing ‘Hellraiser’ at you? : ) What do they make of your music?
EH:Roxy is a real performer and does not stop talking, she’s very switched on for a 3-year-old and completely hilarious. Sometimes she sings at the piano, I mean it’s hard for her to avoid it I guess? Franklyn is only 9 months, but built like an ox – yet very gentle and Buddha-esque. Roxy tells it like it is, she said one of my songs was boring the other day!
YSB:One of the things I love most about you is your passion for new music and culture. I got into Hush The Many and Sandy Dillon thanks to you! Who have you been listening to lately? Is there anyone out there that’s a must listen that you really admire that everyone should know about?
EH:Been listening to The Walkmen record, ‘You & Me’….Camille’s new album, Ilo Veyou ( I would love to work with her), Feist’s new record ‘Metals’ is so good, you should check out this girl called FOE, she’s pretty weird and dark I like her, like early PJ Harvey in a horror film or something; been listening to a lot of Ivor Cutler, my tour manager and I listened to him for about eight hours driving from Stockholm to Oslo about a year ago. Max Richter, I’m obsessed with his music I love it so much and also Mark Lanegan’s new record ‘Blues Funeral’ is brilliant. Also check out Willy Deville’s version of ‘Hey Joe’ from the early 90’s, (it’s) really great!
Lovers of gravelly voiced men will especially dig this
YSB: Excellent, loads of good new stuff to check out. And on the flip side, who do you thinks sucks and should be fired out of a canon to a land far, far away?
EH: WILL.I.AM
SIMON COWELL
'Smug? Moi?!'
They’re both rich enough so they should just stop right now and fuck off to a private island far, far away.
YSB: : ) So, what do you think of the current music scene in 2012? Is it in a good place if you’re an artist making original music?
EH:The kids are more savvy and PR-conscious these days. The Internet has made sure you can be a sensation over night, I don’t think that’s a good thing at all. I believe that record labels are still important, because they can sign a young band or singer and let them or help them develop and fund them before they make their first record. They have the potential to let these people spend a few years focusing solely on being better songwriters. But the Internet means we have access to everything whenever we want, wherever we are. YouTube spawned Justin Bieber’s career, there’s always a negative side to technology. Do I sound old? I FEEL OLD. Don’t get me wrong, YouTube and Facebook etc are powerful tools, I use them and embrace them. You have to.
At the end of the day you can be the hippest band in the world, but if you don’t have the songs then you’re screwed long-term. It’s all about the song.
YSB: I know you really loved the movie ‘Drive’, (which was my favourite film of 2011), but has anything else grabbed you at the cinema or on DVD?
EH: I went to see ‘Martha Marcy May Marlene‘ last night. Not a huge barrel of laughs. Great acting though. Right now I’m obsessed with ‘Breaking Bad’, it is seriously addictive. Oh and I loved ‘The Artist’, such a charming film I hope it wins lots of Oscars. I think ‘The Road‘ is one of the best films I’ve ever seen, really affected me.
YSB: I absolutely loved ‘The Road’ too. It’s my World Book Night title giveaway this year. It killed me Viggo Mortensen didn’t win an Oscar for that. I didn’t see it, but was The Rum Diary any good? I know you’re a fan of Hunter S. Thompson? Are there any films coming out that you’re really looking forward to seeing?
Johnny Depp in his pants: Not Enough
EH I was so disappointed. I wanted to like it so badly, but it just didn’t cut it. It could’ve been so much better, I loved the book so much. Hunter S Thompson is one of my genuine heroes, I’ve had the honour to meet Ralph Steadman, I’m trying to convince him to do the artwork on my next album, fingers crossed.
YSB. That would be really cool if he does! As a novelist, I’ve got to ask you, what have you been reading lately? Who are your own favourite writers at the moment?
EH: I’m terrible because I read about five books at the same time, it’s a bad habit. I’m reading the lost Jack Kerouac novel: ‘The Sea Is My Brother’, ‘Little Hands Clapping’ by Dan Rhodes, very macabre book:
Magical realism
And I loved ‘The Psychopath Test’ by Jon Ronson. I like reading Charles Bukowski’s poems a lot, they resonate with me for some reason.
YSB And I have to ask you about Wild Boar! (Ed’s heavy metal outfit) Will the Wild Boar album ever see light of day? ‘I’m In Love With My Therapist’, actually made my body vibrate when you used to play it live!
EH: We’re the laziest, most disorganized band in the world. I have no idea, maybe one day when we get our ‘act’ together.
YSB: You and Nick De Cosemo used to run those fantastic days of music at the Nektar Bar and Paradise By Way of Kensal Green, are there any plans to ever run those again? They were awesome.
EH:Oh wow those were some very fun times, we keep talking about it, I hope so. Maybe we should do one this year. I’ll get on it!
YSB: I would absolutely love that. Your gig at Bush Hall at Christmas was a beauty – and it was clear from the audience’s response you’ve been sorely missed live. Do you have anything coming up in the next few months you’d like to tell your fans about?
Hello you! This is a blog post that I’ve been meaning to write for a while. In fact there are a handful up my sleeve. Firstly, a very happy new year to you!
Yep, I know it’s February, but January was proper hectic, so my apologies. I started the year thinking I was okay, but the truth is, though I wanted to be, I wasn’t. A pair of healing hands and a good chat has helped a bit. I don’t think I would have been able to complete the master edit of Gunshot Glitter otherwise. I got through about 350 pages in just over a month! That was exciting. I shaved off 45 pages and was pretty exhilarated and happy by the end. It’s now with some good folk being proof-read as I type : ) I’m nervous, but genuinely excited. I really hope you love reading Gunshot Glitter when you’re holding it in your hands.
And also I worked. I did a bit of freelance copy-writing role with Upad in Kensal Rise, so that was really, really cool. A bit of fiscal breathing space. Plus, on the weekend just gone I met a part of my childhood. I met this man:
Courtesy of Diana Jarvis, Daylight Sessions, Union Chapel
Do you know who he is? This is Nick Heyward formerly of Haircut 100. The dude is a honey. My muffs had him mesmerised. I didn’t have a pre-pubescent crush on him but I loved the songs. Love Plus One, Fantastic Day and my personal favourite Boy Meets Girl ( Favourite Shirt). My first popstar crush believe it or not was on Bob Geldof! I was all of six years old when that happened. It was those gangly limbs and eyes and mouth that did it for me.
Bob Geldof or as I like to call this 'Get off Kate Bush he's MINE!'
Him and John Travolta. I once wrote a letter to Mr Travolta. I put ‘John Travolta, America’ on the front but was literate enough to write our address on the back, drew on a stamp and posted it. This postman bought it back to our house and handed it to my dad. My dad did not look happy…
Getting back to 2012. I was on the Central line tube heading back to the newly snowy Greenford with my friend Trevor when I sighed – “I’ve got ‘Whistle Down the Wind’ going around in my head.” I was sat next to this man reading a play by Richard Harris who’d I’d got chatting to and he sat up and said “The Nick Heyward song?!” and then we excitedly started talking about music. I told him about Nick’s lunchtime ‘Daylight Session‘ set at the Union Chapel in Islington, how great his solo stuff was. And he told me how Nick Heyward had gone all beefcake like Arnold Schwarzenegger for a bit, which I still can’t quite comprehend, for the boy was such a delicate, milky-skinned poppet! I quickly established this playwright-dude had a passion for the ’80s, but I wanted to know what he was interested in now and he admitted he was out of touch with the current music scene.
And then I did the thing I always find myself doing when I get talking about music to new friends and complete strangers. I asked this immortal question:
“Have you ever listened to Ed Harcourt?”
Ed Harcourt. Edward Harcourt-Smith, Ed Harcourt formerly of Snug, Ed or the Wolfpup as I sometimes affectionately refer to him as, when he’s all beardy, is my favourite male singer-songwriter. Period. Also, in a weird way too, without really lifting a finger he’s been a catalyst of change in my life. And that is why I’ve decided to blog about him today. Sometimes you get people like that, they’re part of some larger butterfly effect that plays a pivotal role in shaping the dynamics of your life-story. I know I’ve played that part in people’s lives too. And if you think about it, lovely reader, you will have too. Most definitely. I am a writer first and foremost but I am positively fanatical when it comes to good music. And I am really, really fussy too. Trust me I wouldn’t have spent the whole day writing this if I didn’t think he deserved it!
I’d first heard of Ed Harcourt back in 2001. My friend Andy Steele had seen him support Beth Orton at a gig and liked him so much he’d bought his album’ Here Be Monsters‘, there and then.
Ed's debut. Here Be Monsters. He was just 24.
I think he might even have put it on but we ended up talking over it. Then months later I’d gone to the V Festival in Essex and this Ed fella who there was a bit of a buzz about was on the bill. We missed his set by five minutes. He was on the main-stage. I remember looking at his non-smiling photo in the festival guide all dressed up smart with his floppy dark hair and thinking, he looks a bit grumpy! And that was it.
Then two years later when I was staying in the Scorpio’s pad in Newbury while trying to get my next job back out in the Maldives ( I can’t remember if you know that about me, I worked in the Maldives as an English trainer, I should blog about that sometime) – I remember MTV2 playing this wee clip of a song called ‘Jetsetter’ by him over an advert for his album, ‘From Every Sphere’. I liked the little clip, but I’d still not heard anything properly by him..
Fast forward to 2004 and the summer I made friends with the beautiful, but now sadly deceased Jeremy Smith, and we were doing that thing me and Jez loved to do, which was discuss music. And he told me he was really enjoying an album called ‘Strangers’ by Ed Harcourt. ‘ I’ve never really heard anything by him’ I told Jez, ‘but I have heard of him.’ Jez was really enthused about this Harcourt boy. I thought okay, I’ll bear this in mind.
He’d turned me onto some great stuff like Adem and Cat Power so I was happy to take his recommendations on faith. Months later I found myself in Virgin Megastore at the top of Regent St clutching a few CDs perusing the 5 for £30 deal section and there, sitting in front of me, where….two Ed Harcourt CDs. I didn’t know any of the songs on either of them. I looked at the covers, I thought the cover of ‘From Every Sphere’ was softer, more romantic. I liked the font more. That was my sole rationale for choosing it!
From Every Sphere - a slice of loveliness
I remember it was autumn by then, and I’d had a long day and I was really, really looking forward to a hot, bubble bath. I vividly recall putting on candles and the steam rising off the water, putting on this CD and sinking into the water with a satisfied sigh. And lying back and letting this CD wash over me. It started with a song called ‘Bittersweetheart’, which had this lovely, warm piano part and his voice. His voice was gorgeous.
I remember thinking of hot apple and custard. It was like being seated in front of a roaring fire with a cashmere throw around my body and eating a nourishing, hearty pudding. I hadn’t been expecting that. The cosy darkness and warmth. The whole album was just stunning from start to end. Just sheer class. The lyrics were brilliant, romantic, funny, morbid, dark, hopeful and the amount of variety in all the songs meant you got to explore a different part to this English boy’s soul. ‘Metaphorically Yours’ - ‘ Oh baby just admit, if both my wrists were slit, you’d bandage them with style and grace.’ Just cracked me up! It’s one of the greatest, sweetest love songs ever, despite that lyric I’ve just quoted you. I’ve requested it often at gigs. I might even have it played at my wedding if I ever get married.
I’ve said all that and you could be forgiven for thinking, God that sounds a bit depressing Yasmin, but I assure you, categorically, it’s not. Read the whole blog and then come back and listen to this or enjoy it now so you can see what I mean:
(I couldn’t find the whole song but hope you enjoy the clip!)
‘From Every Sphere‘, the title-track, just slayed me.
It was soft, whispery, sad, emotional and had layers and layers of melancholy instrumentation that gave it an almost ghostly, shimmery feel. It’s magical, mournful. I don’t think I’ve ever been so blown away by the first play of an album. It was the sheer warmth of it that undid me. It was just pouring out of the speakers and I was in love with it. I didn’t understand why this record wasn’t the biggest-selling record in the world. Later on I discovered it hadn’t done that well compared to his Mercury Music Award nominated début ‘Here Be Monsters’. I was incredulous, much the same way I was when Prefab Sprout‘s stunning ‘Goodbye Lucille,’ wasn’t a giant hit in 1986.
I wanted to know and hear everything by him. When I get into anything I am extremely enthusiastic. I want to know everything yesterday. Patience doesn’t exist in my vocabulary when I get like that. I love those moments. I swear I go off like a rocket. I wanted to see him live and remembered coming across a gig preview for a show he was playing at St James’s Church in Piccadilly in the Evening Standard and being beyond excitable. ‘I must go. That music in a church, wow!!’ Then my ensuing abject misery and dejection when I realised the paper was an old issue and the gig had come and gone.
Back then, I’d never used forums or frequented fan sites much. But I had a mooch on his. It was 2005 by then and I honestly didn’t expect anyone to be that genuine or friendly, but his fan base were a bit of a revelation. They were pretty lovely. Even the acid-tongued members had a sense of humour. There was no posturing or bitchiness. And the thing that struck me about them wasn’t just their love and protectiveness of the wolfpup and joy in his talent, but also their sheer love of other music. There was a lot of keen sharing or recommendations and intelligent wit and humour.
I discovered so much good stuff never gets on the radio. I’ve got my friend Fran to thank for getting me into Sol Seppy for example. A singer who used to be in Mark Linkous’ (rip) band Sparklehorse and had released a stunning album in 2006 called ‘The Bells of 12‘ on Bella Union. Listen to ‘Slo Fuzz’ if you are savvy enough to check it out : )
Sol Seppy: Magic
Jo turned me onto Metric and Patrick Wolf. Ella made me a CD of great alternative folk. In the three odd years that followed, I spent hours on that forum in the evenings and it was always a pleasure. (Except for deleting tons of horrific spam when the Heavenly site admin made me a moderator. I still have no idea who Danity Kane is, but there was always a bloody link of hers to delete of her dancing naked.)
At that point in my life, in 2005, I hadn’t ever gone to a small gig either. My smallest gig venue had probably been the Town and Country Club in Kentish Town seeing Julian Cope play live. So when I heard that Ed was playing at the Marie Lloyd Bar in Hackney to launch his friend Hadrian Garrard‘s music night ‘ Signed Unsigned‘ I was actually very nervous. You can’t hide in a small place. It took a lot of balls for me to go on my own. I remember taking a book in case no one talked to me, so I’d have something to do. The idea of being on my tod, feeling lonely with no distraction frightened the crap out of me. When I went home I counted I’d met eleven different people that night. Including Ed, himself.
I still remember him walking in, clad in a big black overcoat and how a little voice in my head went ‘Arrgghh!’, just like it does whenever you see anyone you admire in the flesh for the first time. You want to be cool but 75% of you is like jelly. He took a seat in front of me, turned around to make sure he wasn’t obscuring my view and then got on with watching the bands. I stared at his shoulder for ages, and then thought screw it! I tapped him gently on it and said something like ‘ Why didn’t From Every Sphere take over the world, it’s such an amazing record.’ or something like that. I remember it was a question about the album. And he smiled and we got talking. He was really sweet. I still felt shy but I was pleased I hadn’t cowarded out. The set was short and sweet, and he told me he was playing a gig the next night at The Buffalo Bar in Islington with his thrash heavy metal outfit Wild Boar. It was a band he’d put together for fun.
I decided to go along and he remembered me. It was freezing that eve. I put tights on under my jeans when I went out. This time I introduced myself to him properly, and later on we took this photo. I was heading out the venue when we collided with each other and this sweet Japanese boy obliged us:
Our first photo together. 2005. Wowsers, that’s 7 years ago!
The gig itself that night was mental. Wild Boar were hilarious but melodic. Song titles included ‘ My Baby’s Got a Monster Truck’ and ‘Henry Rollin’s Neck is Bigger Than His Head.‘ I also saw The Noisettes play, who were very up and coming back in 2005. I watched Shingai Shoniwa doing pilates prior to their set. Hard-Fi were headlining. I’d never been to two gigs in two nights. There is no guarantee a musician you dig will be likeable either. They could be a right tosser! But I liked him. Why? Because Ed’s very approachable. He’s a heart on sleeve kind of guy, if he’s happy you’ll know it, if he’s feeling stroppy or vulnerable you’ll know that too. I once asked Ed about his horoscope and he said a woman in Glastonbury had told him he was a Leo with a Leo ascendant. A true lion. And a gentleman.
Wild Boar at Meet The Greek!
The other thing that was cool about him was that he organised these music all-dayers at the Nektar bar in Kensal Rise called ‘ Meet the Greek’, because the place was owned by this spectacularly temperamental guy called Dimitri, who when he was cross would close his bar, forcing everyone up the road for their booze, which was a bit surreal if you think about it, because it lost him cash. And his electricity once went out when The Magic Numbers were playing as his meter had run out!
But the place was near some music studios so handy for Ed and his friends to store gear at. Those Saturdays were really great; Ed and Nick de Cosemo (Mixmag magazine editor and DJ/musician) would basically gather musical friends together and they’d all play a short set each, one after the other – interspersed with some fine djaying from Andre Shapps ( Ex-Big Audio Dynamite now in the Rotten Hill Gang). And the sweetest thing of all was it was free.
I love this photo! Romeo Stodart (Magic Numbers) Abby Stables and Gita Harcourt watching Wild Boar.
They did it because it was fun and it gave them a chance to hang out, relax and perform. Anyone could go along if you knew it was happening. I saw The Magic Numbers, Robyn Hitchcock, Headland, The Smoke Fairies, Johnny Flynn, performance poet Niall Spooner-Harvey, Jeremy Warmsley, Pearl Lowe, Sandy Dillon, Paloma Faith, Bikini Atoll, Ten Bears, The Veils, Graham Coxon, Tom McCrae and dozens of other bands play on various Saturdays. One of my favourite days featured Hush The Many, an incredibly *special* band who Ed championed and bought to his fans’ attention. I met Nima their lead singer at Meet The Greek and can still remember watching quite mesmerised as he played his guitar with a violin bow. I’d never seen anyone do that before.
Ed Harcourt with Paloma Faith at Paradise By Way Of Kensal Green
If Ed thinks someone is good, he wants everyone to know about it. In that respect, musically, he’s really generous and he enjoys originality. There are a lot of bands who owe him thanks on that score. When he took Swedish band The Tiny and Hush The Many on tour with him in 2006 he’d end his set with ‘Revolution Of The Heart’ from his album ‘The Beautiful Lie’ and have both bands join him on stage for it. How many headline acts can you say would do that?
Revolution of the Heart: Ed Harcourt on the piano accompanied by The Tiny and Hush The Many 2006 (thanks to Ella Mullins for the photo!)
I went to a lot of gigs during that era of my life and met a massive amount of musical or artistic souls. People I probably wouldn’t possibly have met otherwise. And at that point in my life I craved that. Hadrian Garrard, Ed’s trumpet player, encouraged me to take to the stage at the Marie Lloyd Bar in Hackney on my 32nd birthday and perform some of my poems live. I’d never done anything like that in my life. I was really nervous but it was also a lot of fun. At first he wanted me to sing but there was no way that was happening. I read out a poem about my love for Rik Mayall and how getting older was actually cool. Ed also played a set that night, ( fresh from a US tour with Martha Wainwright I think?) so it was extra, extra special.
I went on after him as a poetess. My friend Simon Toon who runs a fantastic website called Slam Idol for performing poets featured it on his show.
I made some great friends from his fan base too. Lovely people. Inevitably you’re going to meet not- so-lovely-people too, some musicians have egos too large to fit in a room and are pretty ungracious. But it was all exciting and it was all good. It was reality, not the stuff I’d grown up reading about in Smash Hits as a kid. I used to feel guilty at times in truth, because I’d been raised to stay a million miles away from that side of western culture. You’re reading a blog written by a girl who saw her first film at the cinema when she was eighteen. I’m a cosmopolitan soul with a massive innocent streak running through it, which some people probably don’t believe is quite for real when they encounter it, but it is. (You’ll be even more surprised by that statement when you read Gunshot Glitter. Especially the chapter titled ‘Sixteen Minutes.’ : ) ) But I enjoyed those musical Saturdays and the chance to chill out, enjoy a freshly-made minty Mojito and chat.
Ed about to introduce Hush The Many
Ed would open the day with a solo set, which Gita his equally musical wife would sometimes accompany him on, he’d take requests from everyone and then all the bands would play a set at the front of the bar. I took loads of pix and I’d blog about it all. And then he’d end the night with a riotous set with his thrash heavy metal alter-ego band ‘Wild Boar,’ sometimes dressed up in animal costumes or face masks. I still remember the gorgeous music producer Dimitri Tikovoi on drums dressed as a giant pink bunny.
I think the thing that a lot of people don’t know about Ed is how funny he is. He can be really, really funny. He once posted a MySpace birthday greeting photo of himself wearing a Native American head-dress on my wall.
Maybe not what you’d expect from a ‘singer-songwriter piano-playing troubadour’ as the music press like to earnestly bill him? Musically though, he deserves 100% to be taken seriously.
And this brings us onto MySpace. I mentioned blogs there : ) At this point in time I’d started to write again.
In 2004 I’d written a short story called ‘The Birthday Present‘ and shown it to Jez and my friends. Back then there was no social media, not really. Not on the scale there is now. And no one bar my friends had read any of my writing and I’d never tried to get published either.
Ed set up a page on a new website called MySpace for Wild Boar. I remember all of us on the Forum discussing it and then many of us over time created our own MySpace pages. For many of the fans it was also the first time they discovered what each other looked like. It was that whole English shyness thing up until that point. I remember going along to his gig at Cecil Sharp House and introducing various personalities to each other for the first time. That was a lovely night. MySpace was an amazing thing and I will always be grateful to it because it showed me I was a good writer and not just because my friends said so!
So, I started blogging and these blogs picked up an audience of hundreds which was a revelation to me. Complete strangers leaving positive comments. It was aces. I loved it. I wrote about bands, life, films, art, my heart and people dug it. I posted poems. I posted photographs. I’m sure I would have come across MySpace in good time as it was magnificent, but back then, I heard about it because Ed set up a page on it.
This is what I mean about the ‘butterfly effect‘. People affect each other. Musically, I love him and the dude deserves hugeness he really does. He doesn’t sit easily in any musical genre, he’s a versatile maverick in that respect but I’ve never taken anyone to any of his shows and have them come away going: ‘What a heap of crap!’
And his lyrics, I’ve not said enough about his lyrics. The stories he weaves into his songs and the weird and wonderful instruments he finds to play them on. Optigan anyone? There’s a song called ‘I’ve Become Misguided,’ which is a live favourite because of the amount of sounds he into the song about half-way through:
Ed can write a love song to make you melt like ‘This One’s For You’ and then ‘Scatterbraine‘ about a village idiot taking out some local maidens and going on the run from the law. ‘Scatterbraine, they smoked you out of the foxhole/Scatterbraine, you act like a priest in a brothel/Naive charm, the idiot boy from the farm/Father tried to save you with prayers and psalms/Grace and Lydia and Dorothy/The village idiot sent them to sleep – and make it sound like a riot.
He’s the only singer whose ever written a song which forced me to look the title up in the dictionary. That’s pretty cool. The title? ‘Lachrymosity.’ It’s an absolute fave of mine. You can hear it on ‘Lustre.‘
Ed Harcourt's most recent album
I think I’ve watched Ed play live over thirty times since 2005? That figure is a bit mad but I’m including the Meet The Greeks in that. He’s a great raconteur on stage, a lot of fun to watch, but hearing those songs live is a beautiful thing. Though between 2009-2011, which was “The Era Of Hermitude” for me focusing on Gunshot Glitter – and the dialing back of live shows for him, as he became a father, there was a lull. I somehow didn’t manage to see him live at all.
I kept tabs on him via Facebook, but our paths didn’t cross and he was no longer doing the Saturday all-dayers. I’d gone from twigging I’d seen more of him than my poor mum to not seeing him at all! Also the musical landscape that meant we bumped into each other at people’s gigs had altered too. Hush The Many split up in 2008 and we’d both them loved them very much. But then a lovely thing happened last year in 2011.
He booked a gig at Bush Hall in west London. This is one of my favourite venues. I was so excited about seeing him live after all this time and seeing a few familiar faces. I saw Fran for the first time in ages, met Charmian who’d posted on his forum, and bought two friends with me who’d never seen him before, but God they’d heard enough about him from me! My friend Richard was also there. I was stood near the front of the crowd next to Ed’s mum and his mother-in-law for most of it. When Ed turned to me for a prompt for a lyric he’d forgotten and I whispered it to him, his mum told me off for distracting him which was really funny! The set was awesome and the boy was swamped by fans when he came off stage. There was a lot of love in the room for him that night. The bouncers were pressing on everyone to exit. But I got this lovely snap of us.
Me and Ed Harcourt, December 2011, Bush Hall. First time I'd seen him in 2 years!
The thing I probably love most about his songs is that they’re kind of comforting, and for me personally, have a kind of restorative quality to them. I spent much of December feeling pretty fragile and going to this gig sent me home with a smile and a feeling that everything would be okay. I saw the New Year in with him too, clad in a pair of ruby red glittery shoes in Camden. Ed played a New Year’s Eve show at The Bull and Gate which my friend Trevor kindly treated me too. We were there until 2am dancing, so 2012 started beautifully with music and hope. And I sincerely hope 2012 is filled with beautiful things for you too. Thanks for reading.. x x x
If you are new to Ed Harcourt, do go back to all those links I lovingly posted and check him out! And if you are a fan, I hope you enjoyed a little trip down memory lane : )
**Plus, keep an eye out for an exclusive interview with him I have coming very soon. You are going to love it!**
I’ll leave you with this beautiful video to ‘Until Tomorrow Then.’
And I’m going to do something I’ve never done before, but my friend Adrian gave me the idea. Every year, in the last week of December, I think back to the year that was and think about the coolest things that happened in it, that made me happy, or left an impact on me. I try and focus on the positives, the things that memories are made of, even if they seemed pretty dodgy at the time like getting stranded in Germany and trying to find a hotel room at 1am!
And I write a summary in the back of my diary. I’ve done this for at least a decade. My year’s been a funny one ( funny-ha-ha and funny-not-so-ha-ha just to be clear) and I honestly didn’t think there’d be much to smile about in those pages. There have been a handful of bereavements. Two of which knocked me for six. A novel not neatly sewn up. A bond gone awry. Extensive skintness.
Still, how bloody wrong was I? SIX pages of good stuff spilled forth when I stopped to truly think about it! That was a surprise and I realised I am so very lucky; luckier than I thought and I needed to give myself a gentle kick in the hiney in remembering this. I’m a loved, blessed woman and everything even the stuff that challenges you, you can remember something good about it if you choose to – and then pay tribute to it.
Adrian suggested blogging it. Thanks for the idea dude. I give you edited highlights of Yasmin Selena Butt’s year and hand on heart I wish you all an awesome with bells on one in 2012 and thank you for reading and supporting my blog.
Love Yasmin x x x
The Creative Stuff
Meeting top writers Monica Ali, Sophie Kinsella, Stella Duffy, Rebecca Chance for the first time at a library event in Brixton. That was cool. I’d gone to see and catch up with my lovely Lisa Jewell, but the whole evening was really great and me and Lisa finally got a photo together where I didn’t look like a lunatic.
Me and Lisa Jewell
Participating in World Book Night 2011. Being a giver of 50 copies of Margaret Atwood’s The Blind Assassin to random strangers, friends and community members. Going to the amazingly freezing cold launch night in Trafalgar Square and sharing the experience with my friend Akeela Bhattay. Seeing living literary legends such as John Le Carre, Alan Bennett, Philip Pullman read passages from books. Seeing personal living legend Nick Cave read from Lolita. Hearing David Nicholls read my favourite passage from One Day. It was brilliant! I was so excited to be a part of it all. Get involved in 2012 they are looking for givers and have extended the deadline.
Asking for help. Mr Pink answered a call for editorial help on Gumtree back in spring of this year. I needed an editor for Gunshot Glitter but after two odd years of not earning my pockets were pretty empty. Chris Pink wrote me a very positive, honest message telling me he couldn’t edit my novel but would be happy to feedback on it and that he would like some support with his début too. What began as a very professional relationship changed into something way cooler when I discovered what an extraordinary soul he was and what a life he’d led. And some of his feedback was brilliant. And his blogs were hilarious especially the one about man-tramps and how he’d almost come a-croppa in the trouser area on a plane. I read both of those again recently and it still made my face ache from laughing. I left a comment about babies on his blog he loved so much he re-posted it as a blog. And he digs nature, books and film as much as I do. I sincerely hope he keeps writing. I’m proud I got to help and support him with his début novel - The Number Three Mystery Book. It was my favourite read of the year actually, though I wish he’d left the line in about the pink, plastic penis, that was really funny : ) but sadly, exists no more..
The Writer’s Circle/Rosie McClelland. Rosie is aces. She lives in Northern Ireland and she’s a fantastic writer and one day you will see her books in all good bookshops or staring up at you from your e-reader. Rosie writes in a really exact way I envy. I couldn’t do it to save my life! She set up a Facebook group called The Writer’s Circle, which I joined, along with fellow scribe and wonderful lady Janet Bridgen and it’s been a nice, safe, little corner to blow off steam, share stuff, publish work and support each other. I’m really glad she did it. I invited Chris Pink and my friend Mel Melis to join and we’ve all benefited. And over the summer she delighted me by sending me a pink, tinkly light fitting that has found a home in the most hallowed of rooms in my flat, the bathroom. She’s a generous, intelligent, creative soul and has recently discovered she’s a Goddess in the kitchen.
Going to the London Book Fair for the first time. I was as sick as a parrot, I had to drag myself out of bed by sheer brute force because I’d parted with £25 or whatever it was for a ticket, but it was like a crash course in the publishing industry. I learned so much and heard words like XML for the first time and discovered more about self-publishing. The Canongate girls and Bookbaby people were especially lovely and I attended all the days and came home laden with paper and scary new knowledge and a badge that read ‘Yasmin Butt, Author: Gunshot Glitter’ which felt very, very good.
The Yeading Library Let’s Write Monday class – I am never on time. I often arrive with damp, newly washed hair and I am often writing within seconds of my bum hitting the seat. But I love attending the sessions when I can. Thank you Jaspreet Bamra for bringing a stroke of creativity to the armpit of the Universe that be Hayes!
And my involvement with the group led to my short story ‘ A Bump on the Head.’ being exhibited as part of a showcase on creativity at Uxbridge Library with the Mayor in attendance no less.
A Bump on the Head
Gunshot Glitter progress – my novel is almost there, and thanks to Celene Petrulak the cover is almost there and in 2012 you will be reading it or I’ll do a jig in the middle of the 607 bus to Uxbridge and humiliate myself. Thank you all so much for helping me stay on track. Especially my friend Steve Brown who proof-read it, printed off a copy for me and has generally kept me going when I’ve gone wobbly for one reason or another. And to professional proof-reader Jill Blairwho was the first person to read the master copy and give it the thumbs up! She told me it made her cry twice. I know I shouldn’t be pleased about making a grown woman cry but what can I say? I was! I was just relieved she enjoyed my book and it moved her.
Lactofree: Lactose or should that be lack of lactase is my nemesis. This led to me blogging for Lactofree and that led to me being featured in the William and Kate wedding issue for OK! Magazine in a double page spread at the back. Yes, you can read about the bellyache milk gives me and how Lactofree makes it all better again. But on a more serious note, having your writing respected enough to have people ask you to write for them is v.flattering, I was also pleased to contribute to Ronke Adeyemi’s Musings of Ondolady a few times this year. And also Maldives.net on my memories of living and working in the Maldives. You can find links to all of these pieces and more if you click on Contact Me Here
The More Personal Stuff
Appearing on the BBC4 documentary Perfume talking about Fahrenheit – that was really exciting for me. It went out over the summer and you can see me sat on my bed fondling a bottle of it. I was in the second episode and it’s sometimes repeated but you can also see some of it here on You Tube. That’s me at the very start. Hello you! The rest is at the end of a clip at part 1.
Seeing my childhood best friends together again for the first time in 22 years! That was lovely. Thank you to Laila and Ruby, we had a lot of fun catching up. They’ve now got 10 kids between them or something insane. Thank you Facebook for enabling this to happen. And more recently, seeing Ritson Douglas over Xmas for the first time in ages, that was really nice. He still has the power to make me laugh a lot.
Me and Ed Harcourt
Gigs! Seeing Mogwai thrice, dancing myself sore to Moby. Developing an unlikely crush on James Morrison. Seeing Evi Vine, Her Name is Calla, Nadine Khouri and Marmaduke Dando at the Union Chapel Daylight Sessions. Joanna Quail’s extraordinary album launch in a church in London replete with art and burlesque pole-dancing. Low at the Barbican were magic. Trevor treating me to Holst’s The Planets at the Royal Albert Hall was really exciting. It’s my favourite classical suite. But my favourite gig of the year was seeing Ed Harcourt at Bush Hall ( see above). It was the first time I’d seen him live in two and a half years. I love you, Ed and I am looking forward to blogging about you in 2012. This was a v.v.quiet year for me with music actually, but what I saw, I enjoyed, though Mogwai at Brixton was so loud it drove me backwards, that was a first.
My face is on a plane! Yes it is. A KLM passenger jet has a tile on it with my smiley face and the saying ‘No man would exist in the world if not for a woman’ – because it’s true.
I feature in a composite poster for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt 2. It’s like one of those posters for The Truman Show with loads of wee pix. It was a Facebook win.
My friend Nerissa treating me to a pole-dance class over the summer. I was positively freaked out when she told me about it, even though I really love dancing, but I bloody loved it. It was such fun and I wasn’t half bad actually. I hope to do that again sometime.
Doing an Acting Improvisation Class with City Academy. Very liberating and the people there were really sweet. I’m doing a Musical Theatre taster in January. Yikes.
Seeing my friend, circus performer, Frederike Gerstner pull off Obstacle at Jackson’s Lane theatre with my friend Jo Quail on cello. I helped Fred with a bit of copy-writing and it was exciting to see the show actualised.
Rococo ‘ The Cat That Got The Cream’ chocolate assortment. Once eaten, never forgotten. Heaven on my tongue is all I can say. Thanks to my generous ex, Lyndon, for the birthday treat. I have the box lid framed on my wall, in fact I’m looking at it right now ; ) Yummy!
Forays into the dark. Me and Trevor went hill-walking in Northolt ( wear trainers next time Yasmin, NOT sandals) and then snuck into an adventure playground and ran riot on the swings, slides and assault course. It was 10pm a lot of fun. He said he hadn’t done something like that in years. You can never be too old to enjoy the swings. (Oh and our trip to the British Musical Experience was brilliant. I treated him for his birthday and we have a video booth clip of us dancing to Stayin Alive as a permanent souvenir of a really good day.)
Me and Steve went prowling in a church graveyard one balmy summer night in the Cotswolds after a really nice pub supper. I vividly recall being mesmerised by this floodlit clock and how beautiful it looked lit up in the dark. It was gorgeous, very special. I felt really affected by that moment. I wish I could have bottled it. I remember going back and leaving an excited little note on Chris’s blog about it all and how I wished he could have been there to paint it.
Check out their feet!
Great days out to Kew Gardens on my birthday and Rousham Gardens in Oxfordshire, seeing a funky looking pigeon house and these hens with feathered, weird feet and peacocks. And these statues of Pan and Venus that inspired my first wholly erotic tale in years titled ‘Venus.’ Me and Steve always have a great time mooching new places and end up unearthing strange little nooks and crannies : ) Long may those days out continue. England really is a green and pleasant land.
Road trip feet
The London to Austria road-trip, it was a bit of an adventure and I finally got to see Bruges!!! I’ve wanted to see Bruges ever since seeing the excellent movie ‘In Bruges’. What a fine place. Thank you Richard Mills for taking me along for the ride. Listening to tons of David Bowie driving through German mountains was especially wow. The Swarovski Crystal museum in Austria was excellent too. I’m a big fan of things that shimmer and sparkle and had no idea such a place existed.
Crystal jellyfish!
The Brady Bunch. My friends Pete and Sally have three kids between them. They’re gorgeous little human beings. I treated them all to Harry Potter at the BFI IMAX courtesy of a Ladybird Book win and also had them over to the Castle to teach them all how to make chapattis. Sally and Pete have been v.encouraging with Gunshot Glitter and surprised me over the summer by sending me a parcel with scary films and a pot of Body Shop Vanilla Spice bath melt, which is no longer available in store. I was v.touched. I’ve painted feminine eyes for them as gifts, I’ve never given anyone my art before. That felt good.
Brands that have been nice to me. Companies often get a kicking in the media for bad behaviour, exploitation, dastardly deeds and general capitalist blah-de-blah. But every now and then they do stuff because they can and to make you happy because they can. And I am talking about you Sacla!!
Jar of heaven!
Sacla rock. I am a total foodie and when I get into anything, I really, really get into it. So when it vanishes I’m often left disconsolate. Sacla did these roasted little onions in sunflower oil by the jar. I absolutely loved them. If I found them on special offer I was in 7th heaven. Then one day they vanished. I scoured supermarkets everywhere. It turned out they’d been discontinued. I was mournful for the best part of a year and then wrote to them on Facebook.
They did something so sweet I recorded a thank you video message in Italian. Sacla Italy posted FOUR jars of said vegetable treasures for me, free of charge. They still sell them in Italy!! I was bowled over. I still have one jar left. It made me v.v.happy.
Look, how pretty!
Bodyform deserve a thank you too for sending me a very bohemian and pretty freebie sanitary pad tin I’d been unable to find in store. That was really cool of them. Look how pretty it is!
Being skint has not been nice, but Kam at Ingeus and Kalpna from the job centre made the whole thing less painful for me by understanding they were dealing with a person and not a NI number. Kalpna get’s quote of the year with ‘ Don’t let these hanky panky thoughts spoil your cleverness.’
And I’ve won some lovely competitions too through-out the year keeping me in tartware, flowers, food and shoes I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy so freely otherwise. It also means I can treat the good people in my life who love me : )
From The Red Carpet recognising my geeky film buff passion and sending me free tickets to join in on Sunday movie discussions has meant a lot to me too. I can treat a mate and enjoy the silver screen. It all adds up, it all matters.
And I am grateful a few weeks of part-time winter copy-writing paid great dividends at a critical moment. Thank you for that Stopgap! : )
Taking Princess Peony around Minet Country Park for the very first time and really enjoying my bike. I was so chuffed with myself! Up until October, I’d only cycled up and down the back of my flat yard as I’m a bit of a nervous rider, so this was a biggie for me. It’s taken my whole adult life to get that far. Meeting Brian at the Hayes Bicycle Club was nice, he’s a bit special and at 71 could put men half his age to shame with his energy and fitness levels. And he’s a Scorpio. And when I came a croppa and had an accident, his bunch picked me up and patched me and the Princess back up again.
Cat-fostering Jimmy cat for the Mayhew Animal Home. He’s now been adopted. Hurrah! I’d encourage all of you to love or look after an animal at some point in your life if you haven’t already.
Jimmy!
This is a novel memory from my year, but a good one. I managed to stop a toddler crying who was driving her mother and sisters insane in my local Sainsbury’s. I wasn’t having a hot day myself, but I could see this mother was really struggling, and part of me thought, she’s going to tell me to fuck off if I speak to her, don’t get involved! But I got involved anyway and asked her if I could help and got chatting to toddler-screaming-herself-puce and managed to distract her into stopping with the aid of a spectacular monkey face ( stolen from my brother Tariq), a back rub, chatter and the aid of a tissue to blow her wet nose. Yasmin Selena Butt …aka Baby-whisperer.
The Affordable Art Fair. Three great visits. Two of them thanks to my artist friend Helen Brown. The third in Battersea due to my cunning tactic of removal of ticket from table. I took Trevor and he loved it. And we participated in a photographic project for a book by taking part in a photo-shoot. The reward was a black and white print of your own choice. I chose one of myself with my eyes closed where I’m smiling. And I hadn’t smiled in a while at that point. I called the photo ‘ No-one gets to steal your smile.’ It’s framed and sits in my bedroom.
Starting to get to grips with the power of positive-thinking, Reiki and a bit of modern psychology. I thank Matthew Hussey, Chandi, Raj, Quantum Success and Vicky Crump for the energy, wisdom and support. It all came at the right time for me, has been like a helping hand and hasn’t cost me a thing just in case you think I’ve been swept into some kind of cult. I haven’t! I’ve just twigged that if you think negatively and are cross and sad that’s what you’re gonna attract and get. Kind of makes sense if you think about it? I feel better for believing things will be better and acting more positively and when I think of some of my best achievements, they’ve come from taking that mindset.
Attending a candle-making class for the first time at Wholefoods in Kensington with Jonathan Ward and getting to take two artisan candles home. It was the day before my birthday and really quite exciting. I wrote the poem Gypsy about one of his candles. You must smell them if you get the chance. He’s a nice guy and his empire is expanding. I met him at Excel’s Taste of Christmas in 2010 and was really impressed he remembered me from that. All his candles are hand-poured and made with essential oils.
Finally, after two odd years of mysterious weirdness going on, that’s seen this here bod, inflate a disproportionate amount compared to what goes in it, I’m finally getting my figure back!!! You’ve NO IDEA what this means to me. My confidence took a massive blow over the summer, I wanted to weep when I looked in the mirror, but I’ve worked my tush off with a tough exercise DVD and cutting down on lactose/gluten and I can finally see my waistline again which is a miracle. A miracle I tell you! I feel more girly and I treated myself to Dorothy Oz red glittery shoes and feel all womanly and seductive again and my hair looks nice too. Phew : ) I hope I can maintain it.
And the rest of my writing was pretty personal, but feature love and forgiveness and truly wrapping my lips around the words and understanding what they really mean. It’s impossible to always get things right, I’ve made some mistakes this year and I know it, but I also did a lot of good things this year and I know that too. It’s all about balance and facing up to stuff however tough it is. That’s all you can do.
So 2012. Scary eh? But it should be a really, really good one. Jupiter’s doing something special in the sky, so go for it. And may all your dreams come true… x x x
p.s. Time for a bath. Mine’s got Fizzbanger by Lush going in it. It’s New Year’s Eve lol, it seemed appropriate ; ) x
My laptop has thrown a fit and my glorious blog post which I was hoping to wave under your nose on Sunday like a proud child with a Grade A report card is on it. It looks like I’ll be upgrading my machine a little sooner than I hoped.
Technology was not my friend over the weekend. On Saturday my kettle decided to spring a leak, but hey, it inspired me to clean the worktop. Clouds and silver linings and all that lark!
In the meantime, enjoy this brand new tiny tale. Today was the last writing class of the year at Yeading Library. I normally arrive in a flurry of chaos but I love attending them when I can. Jaspreet Bamra you rock!! Thank you so much for running them : )
Yasmin Selena x x x
Exercise: Build From Words
Write a piece using all of the words: Icing, Star, Limit, Grudge, Crane. Draw, Silk, Mischief, Grit
(10 mins)
Happy Cakes
She was a glamorous girl, Linda Crane. She didn’t think anything of icing her cakes wearing her finest silk robe. Linda was a baker and the most eccentric girl in her village. Her house was the most colourful in the street and even though her neighbour Matthew held a grudge against her, for the way the smell of her joss-sticks filtered through the window, even he’d learned to grit his teeth and accept her wayward ways
Linda rose like a star when others went to bed and began mixing her cake-mix for the day ahead. She was a nocturnal girl, always had been. The village hadn’t known what to make of her when she set up shop in Snowy Dune and managed to get a permit, to revamp an old café, and turn it into a bakery.
There was nothing unusual about that but she’d then gone on to paint it hot pink.
‘What mischief is this?!’ Helen Holmes the vicar’s wife had grumbled, when she’d gone past pushing old Mrs Drew down the street in her wheelchair. Linda had winked and waved at the two women as they’d flounced by. She was used to ruffling feathers. She’d hummed as she’d worked, putting up dried flowers in the eaves of her store.
What people didn’t know was that Linda had gone to school in Snowy Dune many years ago, back when she’d been Linda Wood. Plain old Linda Wood before she’d gone on to marry a musician who she’d followed to Australia and then re-invented herself, as a bohemian baker, with her own secret recipe for happy cakes. But the marriage hadn’t worked out. So she’d come home. And on visiting her mother, bumped into her old Home Economics teacher, Mrs Parsley – who’d chided her:
‘Linda! You never knew or respected your limits even when you were a child!’
That had stung the girl and that very night she began to draw up a plan – and with her divorce alimony set up the bakery. The village had needed a kick up the bum. It was long over-due. She called the bakery ‘Happy Cakes’ and happy cakes they were. Despite everyone’s reservations the bakery was a success. The cakes were lovely, but oh so moreish, no one really wondered why…
Linda just smiled and plucked the cannabis leaves from her upstairs bedroom – night after night. And crumbled them in the mix. Happy Cakes : )
A little bit of happiness never hurt anyone…did it?
Hello everyone, *sorry* for the radio silence! I have been sorting myself out, well and truly, taken a bit longer than I hoped but finally feel I am getting somewhere! Gunshot Glitter is now very much back on. The cover is looking amazing and I’ve been buoyed by the love of my friends and – the fact my brother won’t lend me his DVD of ‘Coraline’ until the tome is in the bag!!
I have a proper blog post half-written, which I really hope you’ll enjoy when it’s out there, should be with you before the weekend is over. There, I’ve committed myself! But in the meantime I’m going to leave you with a Christmas poem inspired by my love for my Jonathan Ward’s Gypsy candle ( a treat to self for nailing my first contract in 30months!!) and the idea that love can be beautiful, full-stop when it is good. I am feeling a lot more positive about the future. I know 2012 will be different.
I was very chuffed as I entered this in a FB competition today and it won, to get me through to a draw to win a 6 month supply of hand-poured, artisan offerings. So keep your fingers crossed for me okay? I hope you like it too and that life is being sweet to you.. x x
Gypsy
Candle-light, candle bright
First flame I’ll see tonight
Through our window
As I come home
Vermilion red you burn alone
Jonathan Ward’s Russian Gypsy
Patchouli, Jasmine, Roses true
A heaven scent that belongs to you
You were my Christmas wish
My delicious dish
Olfactorial fixation
A Christmas seduction
You wash over me
You make my senses soar
When I take off my coat
As I walk through the door
And then forget everything out there
Once upon a time more…
Apologies to my subscribers who will have received a duplicate post from a few weeks back in their mailbox. I’m still finding my feet a little with the functionality of this blog and wanted to know what the ‘ Press This’ button did on WordPress and then I, er, found out!
*Blushes*
By way of recompense here’s a cover of Lucky Star by Madonna as you’ve never heard it before. I’m going to be featuring this lady in a future blog as she’s a bit special. But in the meantime enjoy this:
And I’ll try to be a little less trigger happy in the future ; )
Have a good week, proper new blog to follow soon. It’s time to put a name in that Writers I Love category… : )
It was a dark and quiet night… and Glenda the troll was at home. She looked at the calendar and sighed. It was 31st October. Halloween. It was bloody Halloween again! All her friends loved this day. It was their equivalent of Christmas. They knew up and down the land, children would be Trick or Treating and fancy dress parties would be held with guests dressed up as fantastical characters. Cinemas would show re-runs of Halloween movies and patrons would shiver with delight as they watched a young Jamie Lee Curtis’s face fill the screen and utter scream after piercing scream.
It would be the same old, same old. Glenda scratched her hairy chin and picked a chunk of rabbit out from between her teeth and agonised as to what to do. She was fifteen and already jaded! Her dad, Horace and her mum, Mabel worried about her. She didn’t mix so well with the other trolls.
They weren’t refined enough for her. Glenda was quite thoughtful as trolls went. She didn’t engage in drinking games and nothing revolted her more than the idea of jumping out from under Hayes bridge and threatening passing goats as they tried to make their way across. It wasn’t fun being mean. Glenda simply wasn’t born to be a troll. The diet of meat gave her constipation and the boys in her school were too rough, gruff and brusque.
Glenda sighed and sat up on her bed. ‘ That’s it,’ she said aloud, ‘I’m going for a walk.’ She shuffled downstairs and called out to Horace and Mabel: ‘ I’m just going out to get some fresh air!’
‘Won’t Angie and Betty be round soon?’ Mabel yelled from the kitchen. But Glenda had already gone.
She laced up her giant shoes and wandered out of the burrow until she was looking up at the main road. Their world was a complex network of tunnels leading to secret places. But enough! Tonight, she would please herself!
Glenda sauntered up to the main road and looked about warily. The Moon was full and everything looked very bright. She walked down the road and saw a long row of houses. A car passed her by making her jump. The she saw the children and was instantly struck with shyness. They were walking towards her. Six of them. But they didn’t scream and they didn’t run. She was impressed!
A boy stared up at her. Looked her horns, hairy chin and clawed hands up and down. ‘ We’re going trick or treating. Do you want to come with us?’ he said, holding a Tesco carrier bag out for her.
Glenda laughed, ‘Um, really?’ she said in disbelief. ‘ Yeah,’ a girl with a Frankenstein mask on replied,’ we’ll get loads of sweets if you come with us, your outfit is GREAT!’ Glenda raised a furry brow. Mmmmm sweets. Far nicer than rabbit, goat or lamb.
So Glenda, the real-life troll went trick or treating with six children from Yeading Lane and took home two Tesco carrier bags filled with treats.
I am well aware I’ve not posted in a couple of weeks. What can I say? It’s been a tough old time and tough old times tend to affect these writer fingers of mine. Though having said I wrote a proper MEGA erotic short story earlier in the week. I’m scared it’ll make you spit your tea out though if you read it. I might set up an ‘R18 Proceed With Caution category’ or alternatively, sell it for a handsome sum or put it out on Amazon Kindle. It’s a really good one. You’ll never see a statue of Venus the same way again, that’s all I’ll say for now!
But I wrote this piece below for Blurtitout.org which is a wonderful group which supports sufferers from Depression. I came across it via Jayne who has a fantastic blog called http://beachbumbeautyblog.com/ and is a massive part of Blurt as she suffers from Depression herself. She does all this voluntarily and is up for several awards. I really admire her.
Note, this is the most open and honest I’ve EVER been about this condition in relation to myself. Everyone who knows me, knows I am a pretty positive, forward-thinking, witty, sweet soul but sometimes I am not. And this is why… but please remember, I am a fighter, I channel this streak of mine creatively where possible and I intend to be around for a very, very long time : ) I have an amazingly long life-line.
Depression: Give It a Kiss on the Cheek
“Hello you, I thought I would write this piece before I bottle out. I’ve never actually put pen to paper to write about my own experiences of depression. I’ve talked about it to friends, to my family and to a few partners in the past, but oddly as a writer, I’ve never formally written about it.
It could be that I’m trying to make sense of the present and I just need to open up about this part of me. I tend to find my low points are punctuated by strange highs when I feel newly unshackled and liberated. I am a bit of a yo-yo until I finally re-stabilise. Being human is a complicated thing I’ve realised. We are not very constant creatures. And we tend to be loving to others and hard on ourselves.
Anyone who meets me or knows me, sees a pretty confident, personable exterior. I am these things most of the time. I am an extrovert who treasures quiet, special moments. I am not cynical, not jaded and I am a huge believer in self-expression and creativity being positive, virtuous things. I delight in little things. I am a sensualist. I love people. I love my friends. I love touching things, feeling things and being loving. I like painting, perfume, nature, dancing at gigs, the ocean, connecting people, kissing babies, films, good food, writing and decadent bubble-baths. But I also have a darker streak in me that paces back and forth, that can’t wait for a chink in my armour to show, so it can grab everything I find beautiful about life and drag me down into a cesspool of gloom, darkness, self-denial, insecurity, self-loathing and self-criticism. And the honest truth is, that writing that sentence has reduced me to tears.
And there have been times in my life where my depression has kept me prisoner under lock and key and stopped me moving forward. And I swear, I have hated it for that because more than anything I want to thrive, be productive, be happy and nothing cheeses me off than wasting time. I can watch literally months go by with little to show for them. It all gets mixed up, but the darkness is at the core of it all and the self-esteem issues it triggers when I feel vulnerable. Fear of rejection is a huge trigger. I am truly shit with that. That and uncertainties.
Depression is not black and white. It is only when you are coming out of a spell of it you realise what happened back there. Like I said, it’s that insidious eye seeing a chink in your armour and drop-kicking you down. It’s unkind. I also have Myxodema, which is a thyroid condition and anxiety can compound it if I end up compromised. But I fight tooth and nail when this happens because I want to have a good life. I’m a Taurean, we are stubborn, wilful creatures and we don’t like being told what to do.
I had tough times in my teens because I grew up in a very strict family where I was the blackest of sheep for a million different reasons. Out of respect for my clan I won’t go into what happened or point fingers, but suffice to say, I saw counsellors from the age of 18 onwards. Having said that, this vain peacock of a girl I fell out with when I was 22 tried to use the fact I’d seen a counsellor against me in a fight. I thought that was hilarious. I remember saying, ‘ And?’ I’ve never felt ashamed of seeing one. Ever. And neither should you if you need to. No (wo)man is an island. It’s okay to need help. So screw you missus!
My twenties were characterised by feeling like a yo yo because of a stormy start to true adulthood.
I once tried to talk to my partner about how bad I felt and got rejected, I remember him rolling away to the other side of the bed. If he couldn’t fix it in some practical, active way he didn’t know what use he could be to me. That was hard and it took me a long time to believe anyone who loved me would be willing to listen and comfort me, because I had really loved him and that was his response. He didn’t do it to be cruel, he just didn’t know what to do. But it made me believe you couldn’t be vulnerable and be loved, that being vulnerable meant you were weak and by proxy unlovable. I’d be a liar if I said I’d got that hang up out of my system. I haven’t. It’s a WIP.
I was and am still blessed with having loving friends who hear me out if I have the strength to turn to them. 2004 was probably my worst year though. Between 2002-2003 I’d been working out in the Maldives as a teacher, the fittest and healthiest I’d ever been, but running around barefoot with dodgy uneven legs which I had yet to twig I possessed, bought me down with the most exquisitely crippling sciatica you can possibly imagine. The pain in my lower back was poker red bright when I moved. In the end, I couldn’t walk. I came back to the UK, properly crippled despite the hospital in Male doing their best to help me. I walked agonising tiny distances, pouring with sweat, trembling with a stick in the middle of winter. My life ground to a halt. My relationship ended. I was in pain for 80% of the day, constant, constant pain which no one could tell me would ever end. I was drugged up to my eyeballs. I was lucky my brothers were brilliant, as was my sister in law and my niece. Eventually when I was mobile I moved back into my own flat. But I was so disillusioned and lost. So very, very lost.
I told very few people I was back in the UK. And then the depression hit me hard. But I didn’t let on to anyone. At the age of 31, |I started to visualise my own death. That had never happened before. I saw myself lying in my bath with my wrists slit, at peace. I know it sounds strange but it was a beautiful image. I saw death as a serene state. I saw the image more and more often. Then I made the big mistake of watching a Lukas Moodyson film called Lilya-4ever. It is possibly one of the most depressing films ever made. EVER. It is brilliant but unrelentingly dark. If you are remotely fragile *AVOID* If I had a klaxon I would use it right now to broadcast that word.
Watching it tipped me over the edge. The world, I concluded was a horrible, dangerous place filled with people who only wanted to hurt each other. I decided I wanted out. I didn’t want any part of that. I was back in the flat I’d promised myself I ‘d sell, as I hated the area I lived in and I never felt safe. I felt like a great big failure on that score. The sale had fallen through three times. I wasn’t meeting anyone or doing anything. I believed I had no talent. There wasn’t one redeeming thing I could think of. I was numb. Invisible. An intensely lonely prisoner in my own home. My body no longer felt like mine. I always felt vulnerable, fragile and life seemed to be going on all around me, but I seemed to have stopped living. So what was the point?
But that decision felt all kinds of wrong. I knew I didn’t want to die, but I was on some kind of weird autopilot as if I wasn’t in charge any more. In the back of my mind, I thought about my mum and how upset she’d be. How disappointed my younger brother would be as he’d worked so hard to get my walking again. I vividly remember calling my doctors surgery and asking for an emergency appointment. I told them I felt suicidal. I needed help. Amazingly, reception asked me to call them back the next day as no one had time to see me! Can you believe that?
Then my friend Kully called. She needed someone to look after her cat, Mia, and knew I loved cats. She asked if she could come over tomorrow. Crazy how the smallest things can make the difference between you staying alive and you meeting your maker. So I said okay.
When she arrived with this gorgeous cat, (which was hilariously a boy and not a girl, but would now no longer respond to any other name but Mia) I told her how I was feeling, she told me she knew a counsellor who would see me immediately and for free as she was part of a funded project. This was Jyoti. Jyoti was great.
My own doctor put me on Effexor which personally for me was a nightmare drug as I piled on weight, which having been a teen with an eating disorder wasn’t exactly fun. So I came off that after 3 weeks. It angered me I hadn’t been warned that could happen. I found St Johns Wort a much kinder alternative to my system and having a sensitive disposition also found I reacted fairly quickly to it. I always keep a bottle handy as a back up.
Seeing Jyoti was a life-saver. She patiently helped me unravel the big, messy ball of wool my head had become. I also made friends online with a young man called Jeremy Smith (RIP) whose wife suffered from depression. He was so supportive and he was going through a tough time and became my rock and I became his. We inspired each other. He was the first writer I ever made friends with and the first man to ever tell me I was truly talented. My novel, Gunshot Glitter, was birthed in it’s infancy during that era of my life. We also turned each other on to new music. Music is and always has been a huge part of my life. I felt alive again.
I started mixing more and when MySpace came along that gave me an even bigger voice as a writer, it was brilliant. I’ve done so much in my life backwards; I went to more gigs during that era then you can shake a stick at, at an age when many women were probably finally settling down and having babies; I was catching up on teenage years I’d never had. I felt more like ‘me’ again.
For me, personally, talking is the best way to manage depression. Nothing screws me up more then silences, anxiety and not being able to express myself. It feels like someone has put a hand around my throat and thrown a bag over my head. I can’t breathe and it’s got very, very dark. Everything grinds to a halt, I can’t create, I don’t move, I stop talking, I bottle things up and my depression feeds on that. It loves it when I do that as then it has me all to itself. The thing that unshackles me is taking action or doing one, constructive, forward-moving thing; taking some power back or speaking to someone who can help me regain a sense of perspective and remind me about the reality of who I am. That I am special. My best friend Steve is brilliant for that.
I also find Tapping helps when my anxiety threatens to go through the roof. It works by you stimulating meridian points on your face and body with a tap from your fingers in a systematic way. It’s a stress management tool. You lose nothing through trying it, give it a go. Find out more here: http://www.tapping.com/
I am very, very lucky that I’ve never had an episode as bad as I did in 2004. I am a very strong, positive person on the whole and I have been through a lot. I am a survivor. It takes a lot of things going wrong at the same time to bring me down. I like living. I like being alive. I have so many things I still want to achieve in my life. But I have to say, it makes me very nervous even writing that I once did dream of taking a way out, because I still worry people reading that will judge me or hold it against me or not want to be close to me. That scares me so much, because I still find it very, very hard to be vulnerable to that extent. I tend to shed my vulnerability in layers like someone undressing on a cold winter’s day. It is scary for me. A stigma issue we need to ditch.
But I suspect there are many, many more people out there like me who hit rock bottom and felt suffocated and alone, who need to know that it doesn’t condemn them. They just need help. They need to love themselves enough to seek it.
If you are a good person you deserve to feel better about yourself and reach out to take control of your life again, to enable your recovery. In my opinion you need to give your darker psyche that roams your soul a massive kiss on the cheek, odd as that may sound. You need to acknowledge it as a part of you, but also tell it most adamantly that you are going to do your best to not let it eat you up again, however much it wants to. That it needs to take a nice, long kip and chill the fuck out. Or use that energy creatively as I do. And then you need to decide to live on, take one step at a time, get on with it and take your life back.
I’m doing that thing where I am looking for a special piece of paper and I’ve not found it. If you saw the amount of ‘special pieces of paper‘ in my flat, you’d probably understand why! But I found this instead. It was a piece I wrote during my Monday session at Let’s Write on 1st August. It’s a poem.
The first I’ve shared on my blog. I’ve just posted it on my friend Rose’s excellent Writer’s Circle group on Facebook but wanted to extend it to you too, the fine readers of my missives : )
I don’t write them v.much anymore but used to be really prolific. There are well over a thousand poems in notebooks here. The theme was Unexpected Acts of Kindness.
We had 10-15mins. It resonated with me strongly today. And so I’ve indulged in a bit of copy-typing before I jump in the bath : ) Haven’t decided on bath flavour yet, but probably will be the time I’ve finished this..
I don’t actually know many people who write or read poems? Is it a dying art? Do you write poems?
I hope you like it. Yasmin x x
The Circle
What goes around comes around
someone once said
From him rubbing your temple
when you’ve banged your head
And holding the door open
to the lady overloaded with bags
And biting your tongue
when you’re desperate to nag
To the man in the street
who’s looking so lost
To the old lady in the store
who can’t read the cost
of the jar on the top shelf
because her glasses are at home
And you’ve slipped on the ice
then hurt your tailbone and the hand comes from nowhere
to help you back up
And your heart feels so empty
and she makes you a cup
of hot sweet tea
and listens as we
do the age old thing
of needing to sing
of love and loss
in the darkest tones
And we crave the silence
that we only find at home
but this time we’re lonely
and we don’t want to be alone
It’s the little kindness
from the strangers in the street
To the souls we hope to meet
That change a little something
in a fleeting moment
To transform loneliness
To togetherness
To not being alone
And the silence isn’t deafening
And we again feel at home
With the human race
Hello you ; ) I am so excited. And feel strangely shy about this because it was all about me and I’m really used to and expert in blowing other people’s trumpets.
I would have made a great high school cheerleader if I’d ever been a fan of team sports!
Last night I created this page because I want to start promoting the people who’ve been kind enough to support me as a writer. And one of them is Ronke Adeyemi who is the brains behind www.ondolady.com
When I told her I’d started a blog and needed help getting my voice heard she immediately offered to interview me and feature me on her website in a section called ‘My Space’.
I initially thought of the now sadly schizophrenic site that I’d once passionately adored, but it’s not, it’s section devoted to showing where bloggers write and what their blogs are about.
And I’m this week’s subject! Hurrah!! : )
So have a read, marvel at how messy I am and if you enjoy the piece do leave a comment on Ronke’s website and please do spread the word.
Have a great Friday and enjoy the sun. Next week I’m going to write my first piece on a writer I love. She writes badass books that make me shiver – in a good way, as long as you’re reading them and not living them!
Yasmin x x
p.s. Thank you so very much for all the support you’ve shown my blog : ) x
